thirteen
Posted on September 30, 2011
My baby boy is 13 years old today. I think I might be having a harder time with this than when I turned 40! It’s actually hard to believe how much has happened in those 13 years.
Reece was the catalyst for Andrew and I staying together….his impending birth was not only a surprise (okay, it was a shock), but ended up being the glue that our emerging, fragile relationship needed to hold it together. Of course, we didn’t know any of this then. All we knew was that we were terrified and entering into the unknown territory of parenthood, without even being married first. Suddenly, we went from dating for a couple of years to expecting a baby and moving in together. I was 27, Andrew was 26…..and we weren’t even sure we wanted to be together forever, much less parents….
Thirteen years later, we have three kids, a suburban existence and a stronger relationship than I would have ever thought possible. And it all started with Reece. The boy who would teach us more patience than either of us ever thought possible. The boy who would teach us how to be parents and how to unconditionally love. The boy who didn’t speak until age 4. The boy with the most gentle and pure soul. The boy who would later become diagnosed with Autism.
Someone told me once that having a child with Autism is like grieving for the loss of a child who isn’t dead. Grieving for the life you wanted for them, that he will never have. It’s been a tough journey at times, but watching this child grow and become who he is has been absolutely incredible. I am so deeply proud of him for all his hard work – 30 hours a week of therapy after being in school all day – for three years. Special diets and countless doctor visits, a lifetime of speech therapy, social skills classes and just generally having to work harder than most of his peers….he’s a superstar. I can’t wait to see what the next thirteen years brings. Pretty sure he’s gonna surprise us all even more.
the one and only scrapbook page I have ever created
my "man-child" ~ taken today, on the eve of his bday. he thought the coke bottle should be in the shot 
Remember….
Posted on September 11, 2010
How could we will never forget? It was one week before my 31st birthday and we were planning a party, since I was pregnant with twins for my 30th 
On that day, my twins were just under a year old….we were just waking up to get Reece ready for preschool….when I got the phone call from my Mom, urging me to turn the TV on.
~silence~
That day sparked an anxiety attack that would last more than 3 years. It would mean therapy, biomedical intervention, and ultimately, medication…..I didn’t realize it until years later that 9/11 was actually a catalyst for the fear I lived in. I assumed it was just from having 3 kids under the age of 2, and then having my oldest diagnosed with autism. (which of course had a LOT to do with it…hello – hormones!) Sure, we all inherit “the fear” when we have children….that’s something nobody ever tells you. The dreams! The vivid dreams of horrible things happening to your newborn baby….they shocked me. But by the time the twins were born, I was used to them I guess. The difference was that the dreams didn’t stay with me. 9/11 ~ stayed with me.
I somehow found the courage (with the help of a lot of Xanax) to get on a plane to New York a year later. Andrew‘s film was screening there and someone needed to be there to deal with the logistics. This is another example of how amazing my husband is. He had seen me retreat into a dark place and was worried about me. He knew that “pushing” me to go to NYC alone – away from my babies, away from my comfort zone, would be good for me. I thought he was C-R-A-Z-Y. And of course, at first I objected….how could I do that?! I cannot tell you how hard it was being on that plane. Let’s just say…..I don’t remember a lot of that plane ride.
While there, I visited Ground Zero. I took photos, of course, but I was shooting film back then so not nearly as many as I would take today.
These were flags still hanging near Ground Zero. SO many of them…..tributes to all those lost and gone. There were still missing persons signs…..
There is definitely something cathartic about traveling alone….very powerful therapy! Over the next 2 years, my anxiety would worsen…..to the point where I felt powerless to it. I think this is why it’s even harder for me to remember 9/11…..because I never, EVER, want to feel that much fear again.
Today, my twins are just under 10 years old and anxiety is something I haven’t really dealt with in over 5 years. I’ll be 40 years old in one week. Perspective.
So today, I choose to be grateful. Grateful for the journey that has led me here, for my healthy children, for my own health, and for a country I am so proud to live in….with all it’s imperfections, all it’s craziness. Even amidst the chaos and horror of that day, I know we were all deeply proud to be Americans on that day.
