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thirteen

Posted on September 30, 2011

My baby boy is 13 years old today.   I think I might be having a harder time with this than when I turned 40!   It’s actually hard to believe how much has happened in those 13 years.

Reece was the catalyst for Andrew and I staying together….his impending birth was not only a surprise (okay, it was a shock), but ended up being the glue that our emerging, fragile relationship needed to hold it together.  Of course, we didn’t know any of this then.  All we knew was that we were terrified and entering into the unknown territory of parenthood, without even being married first.  Suddenly, we went from dating for a couple of years to expecting a baby and moving in together.  I was 27, Andrew was 26…..and we weren’t even sure we wanted to be together forever, much less parents….

Thirteen years later, we have three kids, a suburban existence and a stronger relationship than I would have ever thought possible. And it all started with Reece.   The boy who would teach us more patience than either of us ever thought possible.  The boy who would teach us how to be parents and how to unconditionally love.  The boy who didn’t speak until age 4.  The boy with the most gentle and pure soul.  The boy who would later become diagnosed with Autism.

Someone told me once that having a child with Autism is like grieving for the loss of a child who isn’t dead.  Grieving for the life you wanted for them, that he will never have.  It’s been a tough journey at times, but watching this child grow and become who he is has been absolutely incredible.  I am so deeply proud of him for all his hard work –  30 hours a week of therapy after  being in school all day –  for three years.  Special diets and countless doctor visits, a lifetime of speech therapy, social skills classes and just generally having to work harder than most of his peers….he’s a superstar.  I can’t wait to see what the next thirteen years brings.  Pretty sure he’s gonna surprise us all even more.

Counting my blessings….

Posted on September 17, 2010

Over the years, I would see those “Over the Hill” decorations all the time in party stores, and every time I’d think, “I won’t need those for awhile!” or “Who actually buys those things? Seems kinda mean” or “I’m sure I’ll be totally fine with turning 40!”  Yeah.  Right.

I completely planned on being ok with it.  I mean, I had all these grand ideas of who I’d be by now.  Of how I’d look.  Of what kind of house I would have.  Of all the “things” I would have accomplished by now.

Honestly, my life is nowhere NEAR what I “planned” for it to be.  I never thought I’d have a child with Autism.  I never thought I’d have – God forbid – twins!  I never thought I’d be married to an actor.  Well, that one I kinda did plan on, but Brad Pitt was already taken by the time I moved here.    I never thought I’d STILL be living in California, and omg, I never in a million years thought I would ever live in *gasp* the suburbs!!  I never even thought I’d be a photographer.

My, how things have changed.  I remember being told by no less than 35 people when I was pregnant with Reece, “Your life is going to change SO much”.  Like, really?  Of course it’s gonna change, I’m having a baby for Christ’s sake.  Seriously.  I would get so angry when people told me that.

I would like to issue a very public and heartfelt apology to every single one of those 35 people, right here on the internet machine.  I completely and totally understand what they were talking about now.  It’s just not something you can prepare someone for…not even something you can completely explain.  I don’t care how many parenting books you read, nobody can truly prepare you for the drastic and emotional shock of becoming, and living forever after….duh duh DUH….a parent.

Funny thing is ~ I still feel 25.  Obviously, not physically…. things are definitely hurting a LOT these days.  And of course I don’t look 25, (although I would like to think that the cute 19 year old at Trader Joe’s really was flirting with me and not just being nice – and of course I’d be delusional)  but I still feel closer to that age than I do to 40.    I think this is why I LOVE shooting high school seniors ~ that age is so incredibly magical to me.  I distinctly remember how wonderful it felt to be in that place, to be that age.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a hot mess at 17, but anything seemed possible.  Things like car insurance, rent, debt….these were unknown concepts to me.  I was just a dangerous concoction of dreams and hope….and maybe a few other things, but that’s a post for another day.

In honor of my birthday, I thought I’d share some things about a few of the people who make my life all the more worth living.  It’s really not always about me after all.

• Mom ~ you are an endless ocean of love, acceptance and joy.  The epitome of “role model”, the master of all things confectionery, and the Queen to my Princess.  I bow to you, oh amazing one of literally…everything.  Seriously, how could I EVER hope to live up to you?  Thank you for enduring pain, immediately followed by medically questionable sedation 40 years ago.  I LITERALLY owe you everything.
• Pops, aka J.D. ~ you are the quiet soul who sat and gently watched the unfolding of a young girl’s life, complete with all its thrashing, without ever stepping on her spirit…all the while, loving her impossibly perfect Mother (see above).  Thank you for that, and so much more.
• Dad ~ you are the enigma I sought to unravel, only to find more of myself.  We are more alike than not, and I’m so thankful for our struggles that without, we would not be where we are today.  It was a long time coming.  You were, and still are, my inspiration to pick up that camera…and it’s your opinion I value most regarding my work.  Your uncanny “no bullshit” attitude has also somehow seeped into my personality – and that’s a good thing.
• Andrew ~ you are the Tigger to my Winnie the Pooh, and the reason I probably haven’t completely lost my mind.  (Note: this is questionable.)  The way you love our kids actually makes me consider having more.  (see? questionable!)  They say great fathers are not born, they’re made…this is not the case with you.  You came IN knowing how it’s done and I’m very blessed to have someone love me as much as you do.
• Reece ~ I knew you before you were even a thought.  You and I have ties that reach far beyond this universe or any reason….you inspire me on a daily basis to be a better person.  Your soul is pure love and acceptance, and I’m thankful beyond explanation that you chose me to be your Mom.
• Avery ~ you are the grounding force in this family.  I prayed SO much for you!  (The thought of 3 boys terrified me!)  And yet, when you were born, I found myself absolutely and utterly terrified that I would not be able to nurture a feminine spirit because I had struggled so much with my own.  You have taught me how to parent you and I can only hope I am helping you reach your destiny because you are helping me reach mine.  You are an incredible beauty – inside and out.
• Seth ~ if your Dad is Tigger, you are the Tasmanian Devil.  Your boundless energy and unlimited creativity are amazing to witness.  I’ve never known anyone like you…a  true original.  You bring so much joy to our home and family with your seemingly endless supply of love.  Watching you grow and mature has been and will continue to be one of life’s most incredible gifts.

I could go on and on and on (but I won’t, I promise).    Just a quick mention to every member of my family ~ I’m so grateful for such a strong family connection….it’s rare.

My friends from “home” are still my core ~ the people I know without a doubt will be with me always.   My friends here in CA have become like family to me – and to my children.  We take care of each other….it’s incredibly comforting having them all surrounding me.  There isn’t one person in my life who I don’t want there – we are all patches of a crazy, mutli-colored quilt.

So, Happy Birthday to me!  I’m one lucky girl.

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